Women’s International Motorcycle Association
June 1999 National Newsletter
DEADLINE: Please send all info for the newsletter directly to the Editor by the 15th of each month. 29 Ormond Street, WOODVILLE
WOMEN'S REFUGE
LINEN RUN
Contact your area rep to find out when and where.
This event is held by WIMA, in conjunction with the Women’s Refuge National Awareness Week. We help provide the needed linen and various other goods required to run a refuge for women and their families
Auckland
First of all – a warm welcome to the following new members: Vanessa Montgomerie, Geraldine Pennell and Sandy Rimmer. We’re looking forward to a few lines introducing yourselves, or about your early biking experiences.
The meeting on 15 April, at Geraldine’s place was well attended. It was a dark and stormy night, the wind was blowing a gale… nine members came in their cars – a sensible choice. We welcomed Anne Singh from the Women’s Off Road Training scheme – and look forward to a long and beneficial association with this side of women’s motorcycling. At the moment Sheley Hickman is competing in Australia. We wish her all the best for her events.
Main points from the meeting:
* Treasurer and Area Rep need cheque book for operation of a/c. Club needs to fundraise – opportunity to do sausage sizzles at both BMW Go Cart racing event and at Off-Road events: excellent suggestions.
* A raffle was held during the evening to build up the kitty for Christmas or special expenses. Geraldine’s name was pulled out twice by her flatmate– Good fortune for our generous host – it was meant to be! Next meeting, please bring a small item to put in the raffle, and a dollar coin for your chance to WIN it all.
* A strong call for a regular club event every month. Discussion favoured the idea. As numbers participating are sometimes small, it was felt that we ought to ride paralel to the BMW Owners Register, as several of our active members also belong to this club or have strong connections. It was agreed that we will trial this plan. From May onwards, there will be a regular WIMA club run on the third Sunday of the month. There will also be WIMA runs and events, as and when they are organised.
Finally – congratulations to Karen Evaroa (baby due – a millennium baby?) and thanks for the If you are interested in any Women’s Off-Road event , or curious to check it out, please phone Anne Singh (evenings) 9-294 7676 and ask what’s coming up.
prompt help with the Waiuku Bird Park Café brochures. This run will be organised for June.
Happy Birthday to Marion Morris (22nd May) and many thanks from us all for organising the T-shirt logos.
That’s all for this month – hoping to see you on a ride soon,
- - Frances
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ATHENREE GORGE: Short twisty road recommended mainly for the scrumptious pancakes at Athenree Pancake House in the middle. Huge pancakes covered with whatever you like, liqueurs, ice cream, cream … so big you have to have a good appetite to get through one, and all in very nice surroundings – decking, garden, Tuis and a stream with tame eels.
FIRTH OF THAMES COAST ROAD: Pretty little road which follows the coastline of the Firth of Thames. Some nice scenic bits and some nice hooning bits. What more do I need to say. Comes out in south-east Auckland. Just head west until you hit the motorway or ask a friendly local.
WHAKATANE TO EAST CAPE: Awesome road, most of it following the coast. Lovely views of the Bay of Plenty, and lots of beaches, from small sandy ones to large boulder ones covered in driftwood. Further towards Tauranga is Matata with it’s camping ground strategically situated between a beautiful beach and a lagoon with abundant bird life. Within a short walk is a good takeaway and the Matata Pub where you can have a convivial beer and a game of pool.
WAIKAREMOANA ROAD: (About 130 kms unsealed) from Murupara through to Wairoa is a spectacular ride through sometimes virgin forest and follows a river for much of the way. Lake Waikaremoana itself is the most beautiful lake in the North Island and the three day walk around it, is one of the best I’ve ever done. We walked the first day, kayaked the second day and walked the third day up over the hill. If you do this road – do it slowly – there are lots of mad local Tuhoe who drive like a bat out of hell and some big trucks use the road too. Back to table of contents
When you have traversed the endless tracks of blistering deserts
When you have prevailed upon the tortuous traces
When you have stood alone in the vast and terrible chasms
When you have merged in perfect union with a stunning, cloudless sky
When you have felt the sublime and awesome hand of God in your every move
When you clasped in desperation the hand of a comrade who has fallen
When you have done all this, not once but again, and still again
When you have come to regard it in your inmost reflections
When you have done this, and yet thrill to the promise of the unrisen sun Back to table of contents Back to table of contents Back to table of contents Back to table of contents Back to table of contents
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Movements have been afoot within WIMA, Vern our Treasurer made mention to me last month that due to other commitments (work – that nasty four lettered word!) she couldn’t give her all to WIMA and suggested we put out feelers for a new Treasurer. I did just that whilst at the Cold Duck the other weekend and – fanfare please – I would like to welcome Viv Green to the position. To make life a little easier she will take on the role as Acting Treasurer until the AGM when we can do all the official stuff like actually nominate and vote for her. Until then I’m sure she will do a fine job.
As hinted at before, I ventured south to the Cold Duck – good to see quite a number of WIMA girls at the rally. It was the first one I’d been to for a few years and the flat site was indeed a novelty. You see the first few “Ducks” were held out the other side of Waipawa on a rather hilly site. Where one constantly awoke during the night in a heap at the bottom of the tent. Need I say more…
UPDATE ON SURVIVAL DAY;
Keep those articles rolling in. Spot ya when the mud dries!
BIKE TOLL:-TECHNOLOGY TO BLAME?
A dramatic rise in the number of motorcycle accidents where the rider is at fault was down to bike technology developing faster than training programmes, Land Transport Safety Authority Senior Communications Advisor Dave Jones has said.
A motorcyclist himself, Mr Jones said a statistic of real concern to the LTSA was the reversal in culpablity which had taken place over the past 15 years.
In the early to mid-1980s, motorcyclists were responsible for about 35 per cent of fatal crashes involving a bike and a car.
Car drivers were responsible for the other 65 per cent.
Latest statistics, released by the LTSA in Road Safety New Zealand magazine, show that motorcyclists today are found to be at fault in two out of three such fatal accidents.
As the average age of motorcyclists was increasing, “youthful exuberance” could be ruled out, Mr Jones said.
“Part of the answer is that riders’ skills and training have not kept pace with the developments in motorcycle technology.
“The average bike is faster, more powerful and less forgiving than ever before.”
Increased speed and power meant a decreased margin of error for riders, he said, adding that that became an important factor for older riders who decided to get back into motorcycling after not riding for many years.
Statistics continued to show the average motorcyclist was still nine times more likely to be killed or injured in a crash than a car driver.
However, fewer riders were dying on new Zealand roads as injury and crash numbers showed a record low – although this was something of an anomaly caused partly by the fact there were half as many motorcycles on the road today than there were 10 years ago.
“If it comes to a decision between a cheap Japanese imported car and a small motorbike, most young people will choose the former,” Mr Jones said.
But new bike registrations were on the increase again, with a 25 per cent rise reported in 1997, which has led to the LTSA to further actively promote it’s licence guide booklet: “You and Your Motorcycle”.
This article was written by Roger Maroney and borrowed from KiwiRider.
INCOMING MALE?!
Resignation of membership from Sandie Hebbard (Picton)
Update on “Riverlands” activities (Napier)
Briar Henderson’s article for WIMANZ – sent to Editor
Invite from LCTMC – sent to Editor
Association Management Magazine
Encyclopedia of Associations – filled in and sent on
Panini newsletter
To view any of the above contact Rowena (Secretary)
MEMBERSHIP APPLICATIONS
Vivienne Louisson – Morrinsville
Barbara Stewart – New Plymouth
Marietta van Dam – Auckland
BRIAR
Last year’s only rule to live by was “Do or Do Not” . I have always wanted to ride a motorcycle, no more excuses. Asked anyone’s and everyone’s advice, opinions and stories. I took some weekend lessons, passed the test, became the proud owner of my Kawasaki ZZR250 … and two weeks later I’m riding with a friend to the Cold Kiwi Rally! Sold the car the following month. Am I mad? Yes, blissfully!
I don’t need a reason to get out for a ride. My first 10 000 kms are just around the corner. Summer has been good for spontaneous solitary rides to destination Unknown. I have a lot ore fun riding with friends and am looking forward to this aspect of joining a club. Slowly but surely, I’m learning about my bike. I’m a hands-on person and I need/want to know the “why and hows”! I’m hoping, through meeting WIMA members, to develop/increase my mechanical and riding skills and to hear your stories – good and bad!
If I’m not on my bike, I’ll be checking out another independent film, enjoying food and conversation with friends, keeping photo shops in business whilst learning what my camera can and can’t do! Mostly, whatever I do is decided on impulse, whether it be lazily enjoying jazz in the park or jumping out of a plane … it’s always infinitely more exciting. This is me! I look forward to getting to know you!
--Briar Henderson (462)Auckland
WHEELIES ANYONE?
So here’s how you do it:
* Open the throttle for quite hard acceleration
* As power starts to climb, dip the clutch and let it bite again. This will loft the front wheel.
* Control the height of the wheelie by rolling the throttle on and off
* Find the balance point
* Peer nervously over your clocks to see where you’re going
Variations:
* Standing on the footrests
* Fender benders
* Pillion wheelies
NOTE: No responsibility is taken!
SUGGESTION: Take any breakable bits off your bike 1st!
BEST OF THE TWISTY BITS
A MOTORCYCLIST
When you have crossed the most rugged and daunting peaks in utter darkness,
While the heavens pour out their fury upon you and you grapple for control
The feeble ray of light before you barely visible;
The sands a roaring furnace all around
And the sun a burning torch above;
Left by those who came before you
Seeking to tame a wild land and forge a better life;
Hewn and rent from the living rock by the immutable forces of nature
And felt yourself so small as to disappear;
Fueled by the fragrant wind alone
To follow the sinuous course of a thundering river
To the mighty cataracts that form it’s source;
And in your soul a communion with the ineffable;
His machine a twisted, steaming wreck
As the very life flows from his bosom and he becomes still in your arms
Never again to draw breath;
And can yet gaze with wonder, in the quiescence of deepest night
Upon the machine that was your accomplice, partner, and associate in all this;
As sinister and seductive, soulless and transcendent, ordinary and ennobled;
That will soon shine upon the hook and crook of a gnarled mountain trace
Fully apprehending he machine’s propensity to deal death or exalt life
Then you will have become a motorcyclist.
CRASH STARTING YOUR BIKE
Crash starting your bike is a skill that, while seldom called for, is something that should be learnt before you’re stuck somewhere and it’s needed.
It’s not the easiest thing to master but with a couple of hints the whole idea can be less intimidating and worth tackling for the satisfaction of another motorcycling skill under your belt as well as the obvious benefit if you or a friend gets stuck one day.
The first thing you need is a good area to do it in. Plenty of sideways area in case the bike strays while pushing it is essential and one with plenty of length so that when the bike starts you have plenty of room to make sure it’s running ok and pull up in time - safely. It also needs to be at the very least level; if not on a sloping piece of ground and a sealed surface is preferred. If you can get someone to help; you can master the clutch and throttle part of it on its own while the assistant keeps the bike rolling for you too, its always easier to learn things in stages of course.
Once you’ve got that all sussed you need to set the bike up to go. Check that the ignition is on and of course the kill switch too. This may sound a bit obvious but you will have a lot more on your mind when crash starting and there’s many a person whose pushed and pushed before they found out part of the reason for the lack of life in it! The bike needs to be in second gear or maybe even in third; second is best though. Your bike has the most aggressive power when in the lowest gear and this means that when you drop the clutch to start t, if its in first gear, that aggressive power acts in reverse and your engine will take over and skid the back wheel. This possibility lessens as you go up through the gears. You need to be on the side of your bike that you are most comfortable on bearing in mind that you have to push the bike first and then safely jump on (side-saddle), without going arse over kite. Most people decide this by going way back to the days when they used to run and jump onto their bicycles and use the same method.
Now its time to push the bike hard, then when you’re ticking along about as fast as you can go jump on the footpeg and then, simultaneously, plant your bum on the seat, side-saddle, while dropping the clutch. If you can sling a leg over the bike, without losing too much speed, that is definitely better for controlling the bike but if it doesn’t go easily you’ll waste more energy getting on and off the bike. Why I say plant your bum on the seat at the same time as you drop the clutch is because you need all the extra weight at that moment to stop the rear wheel locking up and get the motor ticking over.
The bike may or may not fire. Keep a good hand on the clutch lever cause if the bike doesn’t you’ll need to whip that clutch in quick before the bike stalls and plants you on your tits. If it does you’ll still need to be quick with the clutch; once you’ve made sure it’s going you will need to whip it in and keep the throttle active before you ride into anything solid….
Good luck trying as it is a skill worth knowing but you’ll need even better luck with most mid-sized to bigger Kawasaki’s. These machines have a sneaky little feature in their gearbox which means you can’t get them into second gear without the bike moving forward and so are much harder if not near impossible to crash start.
--SPYDA BIFIDIA
BURSTING CONDOMS...
On the Sunday morning of the Sulphur city rally I had one of those moments that a large number of us have experienced. It was one of those moments that we all dread; I had the condom I was using burst. For a short moment my heart was in my mouth and it also caused the three other people involved in the activity to hold their breaths too. Time itself froze, we were in the middle of nowhere, minding our own business, and then suddenly the fine line of Human life hung on the edge. The contents of the said prophylactic device spilled all over two of us while the other two weren’t too far away from the risk either. Petrol went everywhere. We held our breath as first the fuel tank, and then the hot engine bore the brunt of it.
I’d been whipping the poor old Honda 900 that I’d borrowed and ran out of gas. Some friends had stopped to help and we used a condom to drain some of the gas from his Guzzi and transfer it into the old 900. The gas station was just five kilometres away, it was hot and I was in a hurry; off to the Pukekohe classics. It was quite on the cards that the petrol could have caught fire and put us all at risk, there was no water round and I’d had a leak before leaving and would have had a little trouble performing the “Old Human Fireman” stunt if needed at short notice too. The rest, like me, were well clad in leather and some were differently equipped (shall we say) and would have been even more useless had the need arisen.
You’re probably starting to wonder if there’s a point to all this rambling- yes there is- and it could save your arse too. Last year I mentioned in an article in the WIMA Newsletter that a motorcyclist should carry a condom in their kit as they are very handy for transferring petrol when needed, like I was doing. I’ve used them several times and had good success but it seems that something has changed and they can no longer be considered safe. Either it was a brand that wasn’t compatible with the Motion Lotion or this new “improved” petrol is the culprit. I checked the Consumer magazine and there were no tests on either petrol or condoms that covered the area I was concerned with.
Scratch that handy hint off your list and an alternative method will have to be employed. As yet I haven’t put any great thought into it as to what you may easily carry for an impromptu situation that those condoms were so handy for. I can suggest one solution that would be suitable but takes a little effort. Getting your tubes tied.
Grab an old inner tube, preferably off a pushbike, and cut it once, tie a knot in it at the other end; a good one that is, and that should hold enough gas and be flexible enough to slip over your fuel tap and do the job.
I trust my advice may be of use.
Yours truly,
Spyda Bifidia
NEWS FROM RACHEL
Hi there Barbara,
I managed to grab your email through devious means and decided to send you a big hi, how are you, what's up and how life? Heard that you had a new bike - did you hear that I had one too? It is all a bit in the air at the moment as Barry and I hated being on the back of the GSXR1100 so I said - I'll get something else. But we had no more money - so last night I bought a Kawasaki Ltd 1000 cc (1980 ish) - sort of like Lynnda's Z1000. It broke down on the way home and we have to take all the bumpff off it (it looks like a Goldwing at the moment), but when she gets going I'm sure that I'll motor along fine. I was all for a sports bike but the roads here are so long and straight that a more cruisy bike seemed appropriate. Ooh I miss you guys and our twisty rides before coffee.
Apart from that, married life is great (except when we bitch about who has to sit on the back of the Suzuki!), University is coming along well (I am teaching Field School this week), the weather is fantastic (6 days of rain in 8 months) but it did snow and hail on me as I rode home last night (Barry was on the Kwaka and I was on the Suzuki). So what about you - Telecom obviously still has you in their grips, so what about the rest?
Please send news - I am hanging out for it. Big hi and hugs to everyone - Gail, Rhondda, Labone family, Lynnda, Glen, Pete, Vicki, Emily, Jo (have you seen her?), Yvonne, Tez, Spider, WIMA and all others.
Take it easy chick, Love Rachel
Face your fears and live your dreams…
Rachel’s email address is available from Barbara Fabish
CAPTAIN OF VICE
Well, folks, it's not a big challenge in the IQ stakes to register that WINTER'S ON ITS WAY, right? After that awesome Indian summer, it's a bit of a shock to the system. Soon, soon, those melted tar anxieties will be replaced with lashings of bold black ice (NOT, we hope)! But let's not let it get on top of us - after all, what could be more satisfying than a steaming hot Irish whiskey (or just a straight half glass on ice) at the end of an invigorating ride through sleet and hail?? Alright, enough already! A wee bit of Father Christmas isn't going to stop us Staunch Chicks from getting out there and hooning, nonetheless, oh, no, m'am. It sure isn't gonna stop some of us from upgrading to NEW AND BIGGER BIKES, either – congrats to Gail who is now one seriously scary CBR cyber-Chick, and to Sal my flatmate who is going hard on her new GSXR building project! As for Loopy - well, she has just added to her collection a rather grunty Yamaha of the 1000cc variety, which is NOT to be messed with. We're waiting to hear the latest goss on YOUR new bike too, Yvonne (DON'T make me jealous!).
My poor old GPZ250R is backfiring badly and beginning to require more and more visits to the Doctor Boyle(s)(poor baby), so yeah - before I get a summons from the SPCMC I think I'd better start looking for another victim.
Some pretty choice events have been going down as of late. Who went to the Cold Duck rally from 7-9 May? Yeah, it was a good one alright, apart from the heinous two-wheeled mud-wrestling efforts on the site itself! (What a woos I am when it comes to anything but smooth, reassuring tar seal - spot the City Chick!) Wayyyy too much alcohol went down that night, I can tell you, and I could do with a new improved sub-sub zero sleeping bag!
By the time this issue goes out, I'd say our Chicks Get-together in Turangi on 22 May will have been and gone. From this side of the fence, I'm looking forward to it! The Wanganui Wanderers club is putting on a rally from 11-13 June out at Ashley Park (26km north of Wanganui), which sounds destined to be an excellent piece of entertainment - quite a few of us Wellingtonians are heading that way - hope to see you there.
On the most HIGHLY RECOMMENDED stakes, though, I have gotta RAVE about a course I went on recently, at the end of April. It was run at Manfield by a group of Aussie dudes (faaaannTASTeec!) calling themselves Stay Upright Motorcycle Techniques - they are, as Andrew Templeton suggests, the "gurus" in bike training. Man, I learned HEAPS - about cornering, braking, posture, hooning in general. If you can get together the dosh (er ... a mere $275 - but hey, look at the BENEFITS), it is bloody well worth it. They're running two courses again at Manfield on the 29th and 30th - probably too late by the time we get this issue out, but NEXT YEAR, next year ... They also do an awesome high performance course which I stayed back and watched, and which is on MY high priority list for 2000. Faye & I talked to the dudes about the possibility of putting on a Chicks Only version of these courses, and they pointed out that they need NUMBERS for a start. They are really keen to support us if we can get the track for the weekend and make it viable, so Chicks - what are your thoughts??? Feedback-feedback-feedback.
Anyway, I'm writing another essay here ...
Now, a quick bit of business at this juncture. Believe it or not, friends, time is approaching for our annual Women's Refuge Linen Run event again.
Mama mia, the time does fly! What is the Linen Run all about? We-ell, it's become a bit of a tradition for us Chicks from WIMA to help raise the profile of Women's Refuge around the country by doing our bit every year during the organisation's awareness week. This year we're looking at dates from 26 July to 1st August. What happens, is each WIMA chapter gets together in their respective areas and organises a bit of a campaign to collect from friends/families/workmates and the wider community things like linen, toys, kitchen appliances, clothes, furniture - anything that's still in reasonably good nick but that people feel they are quite happy to give away. All these bits and pieces get donated to the local Women's Refuge in
the area. In conjunction with this, each WIMA branch organises a fun bike convoy through town (a bit like the toy run sort of style) to help promote the cause. Often other bike clubs join in to help swell the numbers, and it's also a chance to see if we can try and get any local celebrities to come along, or enlist the support of radio stations or other local media. It's good for Women's Refuge and it's also good for us, because people get to know about WIMA, and maybe even want to join us! (Say it's not so!) So ... the reason why I'm letting you know relatively EARLY is because we all need to get cracking pretty soon to get this show on the road. So, Area Reps from North, East, West and South, guess what?? I will be in touch with
you very soon to talk about the gruesome DETAILS!
Well Chicks, I'm looking forward to seeing as many of you out there on the road as possible. I hope you're all trucking along reasonably happily in your respective parts of the country. Give me a call (04-473-8865), write to me (38 Norwich Street, Wilton, Wellington), or email me (vickik@paradise.net.nz) if you want to talk about anything or suggest stuff WIMA-wise or other: it'd be cool to hear from ya. Until next time!
TURD CITY
WARNING: This is kinda graphic
A couple of weeks ago we decided to cruise out to Ryan's Steakhouse for dinner. It was a Wednesday night which means that macaroni and beef was on the hot bar, indeed the only night of the week that it is served. Wednesday night is also kid's night at Ryan's, complete with Dizzy the Clown wandering from table to table entertaining the little bastards.
It may seem that the events about to be told have little connection to those two circumstances, but all will be clear in a moment. We went through the line and placed our orders for the all-you-can-eat hot bar then sat down as far away from the front of the restaurant as possible in order to keep the density of kids down a bit. Then I started my move to the hot bar. Plate after plate of macaroni and beef were consumed that evening, I tell you -- in all, four heaping plates of the pseudo-Italian ambrosia were shoved into my belly. I was sated. Perhaps bit too much, however. I had not really been feeling well all day, what with a bit of gas and such. By the time I had eaten four overwhelmed plates of food, I was in real trouble. There was so much pressure on my diaphragm that I was having trouble breathing. At the same time, the downward pressure was building. At first, I thought it was only gas which could have been passed in batches right at the table without to much concern.
Unfortunately, that was not to be. After a minute or so it was clear that I was dealing with explosive diarrhoea. It's amazing how grease can make its way through your intestines far faster than the food which spawned the grease to begin with, but I digress...
I got up from the table and made my way to the bathroom. Upon entering, I saw two sinks immediately inside the door, two urinals just to the right of the sinks, and two toilet stalls against the back wall. One of them was a handicapped bathroom. Now, normally I would have gone to the handicapped stall since I like to stretch out a bit when I take a good shit, but in this case, the door lock was broken and the only thing I hate worse than my wife telling me to stop cutting my toenails with a pair of diagonal wirecutters is having someone walk in on me while I am taking a shit. I went to the normal stall.
In retrospect, I probably should have gone to the large, handicapped stall even though the door would not lock because that bit of time lost in making the stall switch proved to be a bit too long under the circumstances. By the time I had walked into the regular stall, the pressure on my ass was reaching Biblical proportions. I began "The Move."
For those women who may be reading this, let me take a moment to explain "The Move." Men know exactly what their bowels are up to at any given second. And when the time comes to empty the cache, a sequence of physiological events occur that can not be stopped under any circumstances. There is a move men make that involves simultaneously approaching the toilet, beginning the body turn to position ones ass toward said toilet, hooking ones fingers into ones waistline, and pulling down the pants while beginning the squat at the same time. It is a very fluid motion that, when performed properly, results in the flawless expulsion of shit at the exact same second that ones ass is properly placed on the toilet seat. Done properly, it even assures that the choad is properly inserted into the front rim of the toilet in the event that the piss stream lets loose at the same time; it is truly a picture of coordination rivalling that of a skilled ballet dancer.
I was about half-way into "The Move" when I looked down at the floor and saw a pile of vomit that had been previously expelled by one of those little bastards attending kids night; it was mounded up in the corner so I did not notice it when I had first walked into the stall. Normally, I would not have been bothered by such a thing, but I had eaten so much and the pressure upward was so intense, that I hit a rarely experienced gag reflex. And once that reflex started, combined with the intense pressure upward caused by the bloated stomach, four plates of macaroni and beef started coming up for a rematch. What happened next was so quick that the exact sequence of events are a bit fuzzy, but I will try to reconstruct them as best I can.
In that moment of impending projectile vomiting, my attention was diverted from the goings-on at the other end. To put a freeze frame on the situation, I was half crotched down to the toilet, pants pulled down to my knees, with a load of vomit coming up my oesophagus. Now, most of you know that vomiting takes precedence over shit no matter what is about to come slamming out of your ass. It is apparently an evolutionary thing since shitting will not kill you, but vomiting takes a presence of mind to accomplish so that you do not aspirate any food into the bronchial tubes and perhaps choke to death. My attention was thus diverted. At that very split second, my ass exploded in what can only be described as a wake...you know, as in a newspaper headline along the lines of "30,000 Killed In Wake of Typhoon Fifi" or something similar. In what seemed to be most suitably measured in cubic feet, an enormous plug of shit the consistency of thick mud with embedded pockets of greasy liquid came flying out of my ass. But remember, I was only half-way down on the toilet at that moment. The shit wave was of such force and of just such an angle in relation to the back curve of the toilet seat that it ricocheted off the back of the seat and slammed into the wall at an angle of incidence equal to the angle at which it initially hit the toilet seat. Then I sat down. Recall that when that event occurred, I was already half-way to sitting anyway and had actually reached the point of no return. I have always considered myself as relatively stable gravitationally, but when you get beyond a certain point, you're going down no matter how limber you may be. Needless to say, the shit wave, though of considerable force, was not so sufficient so as to completely glance off the toilet seat and deposit itself on the walls, unlike what you would see when hitting a puddle with a high-pressure water hose; even though you throw water at the puddle, the puddle gets moved and no water is left to re-form a puddle.
There was a significant amount of shit remaining on about one-third of the seat rim which I had now just collapsed upon.
Now, back to the vomit...While all the shitting was going on, the vomit was still on its way up. By the time I had actually collapsed on the toilet, my mouth had filled up with a goodly portion of the macaroni and beef I had just consumed.
OK, so what does the human body instinctively do when vomiting? One bends over. So I bent over. I was still sitting on the toilet, though. Therefore, bending over resulted in me placing my head above my now slightly-opened legs, positioned in between my knees and waist. Also directly above my pants which were now pulled down to a point just midway between my knees and my ankles. Oh, did I mention that I was wearing not just pants, but sweat pants with elastic on the ankles. In one mighty push, some three pounds of macaroni and beef, two or three Cokes, and a couple of Big, Fat Yeast Rolls were deposited in my pants...on the inside...with no ready exit at the bottom down by my feet.
In the next several seconds, there were a handful of farts, a couple of turds, and the event ended, yet I was now sitting there with my pants full of vomit, my back covered in shit that had bounced off the toilet, spattered on three ceramic-tiled walls to a height of about five feet, and still had enough force to come back at me, covering the back of my shirt with droplets of liquid shit. All while thick shit was spread all over my ass in a ring curiously in the shape of a toilet seat.
And there was no *%#@ toilet paper.
What could I do but laugh. I must have sounded like a complete maniac to the guy who then wandered into the bathroom. He actually asked if I was OK since I was laughing so hard I must have sounded like I was crying hysterically. I calmed down just enough to ask him if he would get the manager. And told him to have the manager bring some toilet paper. When the manager walked in, he brought the toilet paper with him, but in no way was prepared for what happened next. I simply told him that there was no way was going to explain what was happening in the stall, but that I needed several wet towels and I needed him to go ask my wife to come help me. I told him where we were sitting and he left. At that point, I think he was probably assuming that I had pissed just a bit in my pants or something similarly benign.
About two minutes later, my wife came into the bathroom not knowing what was wrong and with a certain amount of worry in her voice. I explained to her (still laughing and having trouble getting out words) that I had a slight accident and needed her help. Knowing that I had experienced some close calls in the past, she probably assumed that I had laid down a small turd or something and just needed to bring the car around so we could bolt immediately. Until I asked her, I'm sure she had no idea that she was about to go across the street and purchase me new underwear, new socks, new pants, a new shirt, and (by that time due to considerable leakage around the elastic ankles thingies) new sneakers. And she then started to laugh herself since I was still laughing. She began to ask for an explanation as to what had happened when I promised her that I would tell her later, but that I just needed to handle damage control for the time being. She left.
The manager then came back in with a half-dozen wet towels and a few dry ones. I asked him to also bring a mop and bucket upon which he assured me that they would clean up anything that needed to be cleaned. Without giving him specific details, I explained that what was going on in that stall that night was far in excess of what I would expect anyone to deal with, what with most of the folks working at Ryan's making minimum wage of just slightly above.
At that moment, I think it dawned on him exactly the gravity of the situation. Then that manager went so far above the call of duty that I will be eternally grateful for his actions. He hooked up a hose.
Fortunately, commercial bathrooms are constructed with tile walls and tile floors and have a drain in the middle of the room in order to make clean up easy. Fortunately, I was in a commercial bathroom. He hooked up the hose to the spigot located under the sink as I began cleaning myself up with the wet towels. Just as I was finishing, my wife got back with the new clothes and passed them into the stall, whereupon I stuffed the previously worn clothing into the plastic bag that came from the store, handing the bag to my wife.
I finished cleaning myself off and carefully put on my new clothes, still stuck in the stall since I figured that it would be in bad taste to go out of the stall to get redressed in the event I happened to be standing there naked and some little bastard kid walked in. At that point, I had only made a mess; I had not yet committed a felony and intended to keep it that way. When I finished getting dressed, I picked up the hose and cleaned up the entire stall, washing down the remains toward the drain in the centre of the room. I put down the hose and walked out of the bathroom.
I had intended to go to the manager and thank him for all he had done, but when I walked out, three of the management staff were there to greet me with a standing ovation. I started laughing so hard that I thought I was going to throw up again, but managed to scurry out to the car where my wife was now waiting to pick me up by the front door.
The upshot of all this is that I strongly recommend eating dinner at Ryan's Steak House. They have, by far, the nicest management staff of any restaurant in which I have eaten.
MAY MAHEM
The invitation, announcing the Back to Basic’s rally, had been passed onto me by a friend. The event promised of very little – except a site to camp, trials to ride, a Lodge to keep oneself dry in whilst telling tall tales and drinking to enhance them, showers, and somewhere to cook. You, yourself, brought everything else; the tent, the sleeping bag, the food, the alcohol, the sense of adventure. In essence it was a back to basic’s rally for those of us who were getting sick of going to events where everything was laid on for you – 24 hours of the day.
Now I consider myself to be intelligent (and I’ve three fancy pieces of paper framed on my wall to tell me this!), and I quite enjoy making my own fun. It also means one can catch up with long-lost friends and “shoot the breeze” without the need to yell and scream just to be heard over some band. So you know what happened don’t you. Yep – we went.
The weather forecast didn’t look to good, and as I was still recovering from a strained hip joint from the previous weekend, we did consider not going. We also considered going in the car – but not for long. So mid-day Saturday we sat astride our laden bikes ready to venture forth. So far the weather looked good – sunny patches overhead and dry roads in the driveway.
At the summit of the Napier – Taupo road we stopped to put on the essential wets. No longer were the roads dry, but at least they weren’t slippery. Taupo was a gas and chocolate stop then it was onwards in the direction of Taumaranui.
Plenty of previous rain meant that the SH41 had taken a battering. And the further along one traveled, the more decidedly bumpy it became. In fact the only other time I’d seen slumps in the road like this was on the Weber road out to Herbertville. At least these were sign-posted.
Having turned onto SH4 at Manunui we stopped at the top of the hill just out of Piriaka to look at the Wanganui River. Even this far north it’s one very muddy river. This time with a lot of water flowing in it!
10k’s down the road we had reached our destination. If it weren’t for the 70k sign you would miss this little “town” (and I use that term loosely) if you blinked. Not much left of it now, but I imagine that it was a raging sawmill town back round the turn of the century. Having checked in with our “whanau” (Don Morrison) and pitched our tent, we ventured back to town to “see the sights”. Well! The dairy closed at 5pm and the BP was already shut! This left the craft shop and the pub. Owhango Hotel here we come.
After a drink or two (luckily they knew how to charge for the single malt, over proof Scotch or I’d have been there all night) and had something to eat we headed back to camp. Our timing was impeccable for no sooner had we sat down than it was announced that it was Tony Evans’ birthday. And there was Chocolate cake!!!
And so the night drifted on. The scene was set. The alcohol was being consumed. The tales were being told. The jokes were getting further and further into the sewer. And when my eyelids found the down position easier than the upright one, I took myself off to bed. Only to listen to – the rain drops as they gently landed on the tent. And to think, we almost didn’t go.
--The Y Machine
CAPTAIN'S QUIRK
Oh God it’s that time of the month again and I haven’t done anything. Next thing you know Connie will be after me with that Cat-of-nine-tails I’ve seen her use on Leigh. Opps – hope I haven’t let the cat out of the bag!!! (Not at all Yvonne..Ed)
Seriously, this is something I will have to get used to - as will the rest of you guys. Anyway 10 out of 10 for the last issue, Connie. Comments from both here and abroad were all favourable on the last mag. Luckily (for me at least who is writing this late…) the new wang-fangled invention of email means I can get in touch with her at the touch of a button.
And speaking of jobs, the WIMA Exec is trying to do our best to speed up all of our inward correspondence. So if you have a need/reason/request/begging matter that you wish/desire/need to grovel for please ensure that you mark it for whomever’s attention. I.e. if you’re renewing your subs, put Attention: Membership Secretary on the envelope. I’m sure you are all intelligent enough to figure it all out. We only ask this of you so that Cath (who clears the mail) can then send it directly onto the right committee member without the need for it all to go to Rowena (our Secretary) first. Make sense? Well it oughtta!
To keep in the theme of rallying, last weekend saw Tez and myself at Owhango camping beside the Whakapapa River with an interesting ensemble of Ulysses members and others. A more scenic site you couldn’t ask for. More on that later.
For now that’s all. I’ve a few more keys to punch on this keyboard so Connie doesn’t hit me and so that you can all chastise yourselves for not getting off the sofa and onto the bike as you read of my latest adventure’s.
Yvonne
EDITOR'S WORDS
Well, the Winter weather is upon us...how can I tell you ask? It might have something to do with the fact that I am typing this wearing gloves! The lengths I go to to get the newsletter out!
I guess the biggest thing happening in my life at the moment is I’m about to be made REDUNDANT. Yes folks, it’s true, I look at it as a blessing in disguise...guess why? That’s right...a redundancy payout! Should be just enough to purchase that GSXR1100 I have my eye on. And man is it a minter. There’s nothing like new wheels to get one excited is there?
I have had some positive feedback regarding the newsletter – thankyou. If there’s anything you’d like to see here, please let me know. For those waiting with bated breath, the mechanical column is not far away – if you call Europe not far away!
I would like to make a tiny mention that ALL THE AREA REPS SEEM TO HAVE BEEN SUCKED FROM THE FACE OF THE EARTH. As you can see, only Auckland are responding to my desperate plea for local reports. For those area that put out a local newsletter, why don’t you send me a copy, and I can just make it up from there – that sounds easy doesn’t it?
EDITOR’S CONTACT DETAILS
SNAIL MAIL: 29 Ormond Street, Woodville
EMAIL: WIMANZ@xtra.co.nz
FAX: 6-359 3111 (mark Attn Connie)
I’m still waiting to hear from Auckland as to whether they will attend the day if it is held at Manfeild. Once I get a yay or nay I can move on, and start looking at things like dates. It was suggested that it was held on Auckland Anniversary weekend, this would mean using the track on the Sunday.
Holding it on a Sunday has it’s pros and cons – shops are more likely to attend as they are not open, but we can’t start as early due to noise annoyance to the neighbours. What do you think?
Ed.
CLASSIFIEDS
for sale
|
Suzuki Intruder VS700GL 1988 Review in next magazine Owned by Jenny Kelso (WIMA member) Situated at: Don Perry Motors Rotorua Approx $4 000 |
BMW K100RT 1985 Red Owned by Pete (Jenny’s partner) Situated at: Campbell Honda Rotorua Approx $5 500 |
BMW R75/5 1973 Owned by Pete (Jenny’s partner) Situated at: Campbell Honda Rotorua Approx $5 000 |
|
Computer & Printer 486 with Windows 95 CD ROM Multimedia Heaps of good software Several CDs included Needs modem for internet $500 Ph Connie 06 376 4447 |
Size 14 Black Leather pants & jacket Excellent condition Lace-up pants Jacket has good quality zips Thick leather $150 each Ph Connie 6 376 4447 (selling on behalf of a friend) |
Back to table of contents Back to table of contents
10 TACTICS FOR SURVIVAL
Watch the big picture (note your surroundings)
Keep your distance
Be seen (visibility)
Be predictable (no surprises)
Think like them (learn how other road users think)
Read the road (road conditions)
Pace yourself (speed)
Ride straight (alcohol and drugs)
Trust your bike (maintenance)
Trust yourself (rider training)
How to avoid a speed camera fine!
Note: the foot over the number plate.
WATCH THE BIG PICTURE
(NOTE YOUR SURROUNDINGS)
When you go for a ride, things constantly happen around you that influence your level of safety on the road. If you understand how the conditions you ride in might affect you, you can be prepared for the unexpected. Here are some examples:
Cars, trucks and buses leave an oily strip in the middle of traffic lanes;
Roads are particularly slippery when a light shower comes after a long, dry spell;
Kids, dogs and cats are more likely to appear suddenly in suburban streets;
Native animals are more likely to appear on country roads around dawn and dusk;
Drivers stuck behind a slow-moving vehicle are more likely to behave erraticaly; and
Hard surfaces (like tarred roads) require different riding techniques to riding on loose surfaces.
BE SEEN
(VISIBILITY)
Many drivers say at the scene of the crash “Sorry, I didn’t see you”. That’s not good enough, all road users have an obligation to be aware of motorcyclists. However, riders also need to make sure they’re as obvious as possible to other road users.
You can increase your visibility by:
Wearing bright protective clothing and a bright helmet;
Riding with your lights on in the appropriate conditions; and
Riding in the correct road position so you can be seen in both rear and outside mirrors of the vehicle in front of you.
So when travelling on a multi-laned road:
1. Try to avoid the centre lane (as you will need to look out for traffic on both sides);
2. Ride in the right wheel track of the vehicle in front, when travelling in the left lane; and
3. Ride in the left wheel track of the vehicle in front, when travelling in the right lane
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